The road to closure and moving on in my life has not been an easy one. Sometimes I have felt like all I've had to show for my journey is painful blisters on my feet, my heart, and my spirit that never seem to heal - not because they can't, but because they haven't been allowed to. Sometimes I have felt like my life is an act in the Ringling Brother's Circus and I have constantly jumped through hoops trying to perform, willing to do whatever it takes to find my place in the lives of those I care about, forever feeling like I don't measure up, like if I had just done a little more, maybe those whom I have loved would love me.
But no more.
I realize now that I have been looking for validation in all the wrong places. I have been looking to receive love from people who possess hearts of stone, people ruled by Satan instead of God, people so ugly on the inside, there is no room for God. And if there is no room for God in their hearts, then why am I looking for a place there?
So, I have decided to stop looking because the search has been without fruit. The real fruit of love is in God, in Jesus Christ, and in those who truly reflect Christ in their own hearts, by their words and example.
One person in particular told me he wanted nothing else to do with me and neither does his wife, and that I just needed to let it go. His words hurt like hell and just about broke me. But then it finally occurred to me, he was right. I did need to let it go. I needed to let my search for the love taken from a lost son go and focus on the Father that truly loves me - the Father who will never let me down, and that father is my Father in Heaven.
He knows my heart. He knows when others are trying to shatter it - and me - and He picks up the broken pieces and puts them back together. As long as my Heavenly Father and my Savior are with me, it doesn't matter who is against me. The evil ones in this world will one day receive their just reward just as the Lord will have His vengeance.
This is a new day, and as I have said before, a heart may be broken, but it beats just the same, and mine will beat until my work on this earth is done. I can only imagine that sweet day.
My heart is filled with love for all people, even the ones who don't want that love. It is a mended heart that sits inside me, a man who has been redeemed.
My heart is God's. It belongs to Him, and no one will ever take it away.
To all of you who have tried to do just that, well, guess what? You may be recruited in Satan's army, but you will never win. The battle has already been won, and not by you.
If you want to move to the Savior's side, there is still time. I will continue to pray for you, but I will no longer engage in a fruitless battle. I will just continue to pray and let Christ fight the battle for me.
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