Out of the Closet Into the Light

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Jordan's Moment

Each of us lives a brilliant life when we open up and share our lives with others. I appreciate your help in sharing my story by sharing

Out of the Closet Into the Light with others. The book can be purchased through Amazon and Barnes&Noble.com The author, Jewel Adams, spent many months working on my story, and I have chosen to give my portion of the proceeds to help abused children. I humbly share the story of my life with the world in the hope that it will help others to know we are never alone and it is never too late to change.

This has been a summer of clarity for me. I have learned so much. I now know how much strength and power is within me and I understand there are times when I must give control to God. My past is what it is, and I "give the drama to momma." Hallelujah! I am very blessed to have the life I do now.

One of my best friends died this summer and I will always treasure his love and friendship. I’m a realist. I don’t hide from my life or experiences, specifically painful ones like this summer's experience of friendship and death. I've told thousands of people, "When someone you love dies, you now have an angel you can call by name." I've always believed that death shows up to remind us to live life more fully.

I'm confident that my intimate friendships with others will also be healing and transforming in their lives. My spiritual family taught me that love and support are critical to my emotional and physical well-being, and bonding with Jesus Christ brings healing through the Holy Spirit. Prayer is reality in my life on earth. I can never be responsible for other people or their choices in the past - choices to use pain to manipulate me. Nothing will draw me away from accomplishing what God wants me to accomplish here on earth. I believe that wherever I go, I am accepting God’s call to help transform the world by being the change I wish to see in this world, and each moment of life that I spend sharing God's love with you, with His help, I am inspiring you with hope for that breakthrough moment in your life.

I also do this to enhance my own spirit, and my soul. Throughout my daily life, I find moments to just exhale deeply, then inhale and exhale, taking the time to notice my breathing. It always gives me a little recharge, a surge of energy that reminds me I'm alive here and now. I have been happier the past two years than I have been in all the years that I have lived on this earth. Whenever I try to exercise compassion, loyalty, mercy, and charity, it helps me to be more in tune with the Spirit. My relationships are better than ever, and love is stronger in my life than it ever has been. This year I have finally let go of feelings of abandonment in all forms.

My spiritual family honestly couldn't care less about my past or what anyone may say. With my family by my side, I will conquer all things that hold me back from progressing because we are so committed to loving one another. It feels so good to have that, to feel that.

Each of us have opportunities that transform us, giving us a new perspective of God’s sacred plan of happiness - a plan that will help each of us bring others to the knowledge of the Savior, Jesus Christ. I'm still learning what we all must learn - to let God take care of those who live for the single purpose of bringing misery upon others. I have learned that we have to let it all go. It is the only way we can be whole.

I want to thank everyone: my doctors, clergy, chaplains, case managers, Americans With Disabilities, and so many others. Thank you, Jewel Adams, Ty Mansfield, Stewart Weed, Allen Oyler, YiYang Fei, Lee and Lisa Harris and their family, the Zollingers, my favorite pilot, Mark Mazier, and his wife, Christy in San Clemente, California, Mel and Linda Hedgepeth who open doors for me, and my favorite dentist, Scott Hansen. I will always have a special bond with these people. Plus, there are so many others that give me support I can't name them all.

Last but not least, a big thank you to Evergreen International, Christian Adams, and Fred and Marilyn Matis. You helped to transform my mind. Also, thank you to the many friends from Seattle, Portland, Boise, all the gay and straight communities, and the LGBT, both in church and out of church. Your unconditional hope and desire to see me do well in my life are a boon to me. You all make me smile every day.

You were my strength when I was weak.

You were my voice when I couldn't speak.

You were my eyes when I couldn't see.

You saw the best there was in me.

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach.

You gave me faith 'cause you believed.

(Diane Warren - Because You Loved Me)

This fall, I have been invited to personally attend Oprah’s “This Is Your Breakthrough and It Is On Its Way” Tour 2014. The tour will begin in September and I will be in Seattle, Washington November 7-8^th for this once in a lifetime interview with Miss Oprah Winfrey and her team. Log onto Oprah.com for more details.

Some may ask, "Why?" and some will say, “I’m happy for you!” I’m learning to grow into the man God has called me to be and not a duplicate of any other person with their ideas on how life is to be lived. I am striving to let the Holy Spirit guide my destiny and my life. My adventure with Oprah will open doors I have only spiritually dreamed of. This opportunity will aid me in helping others reach for the best in themselves. I want to help us all understand that we are amazing human beings, and we must soar beyond our dreams.

I will be forever learning from the prophets of God and God's brilliant, spiritual women who have enhanced my life, helping me to become the man of God I am today - a man blessed to share the love of a merciful God, a forgiving God, a transforming God, a God whose Son's sacrifice will wash away the sins of every human on this earth.

We are clean by the blood of Jesus Christ when we commit our lives to him and earnestly strive to live the gospel. Never let anyone tell you different, because Christ forgives and forgets it all. Always remember that.

With Christ as your Master, nobody can throw your past in your face again. If they try, shame on them, and may Christ reveal to them his forgiving love, for they truly know not what they do when they persecute you. I have been there. I have been persecuted and ripped apart for trying to help children find hope and love on this earth. God has opened many doors and given me many opportunities to be a voice of hope. I love you and I am grateful for you all.

This has been the best year of my life.

Thank you all for sharing my voice of hope and praying for me. Also thank you for your prayers in my behalf for this opportunity with Oprah Winfrey.

Thank you for investing in the lives of the children that have been abandoned and abused through your purchase of Out of the Closet Into the Light.

Love,

Jordan and Charity

About the Book

After living a life of abuse, abandonment

and homosexuality, Jordan Jantz made the

ultimate choice. Leaving his old life

behind, Jordan came to know and

understand God's love for him, as well as

discover his own part in the eternal plan.

But this book isn't just about his Christian

conversion and lifestyle change, it is also

about all the things he suffered that helped

to bring him to this point. It's about

everything he was, everything he is, and

everything he is on his way to becoming.

Simply put, this is the story of his journey

from the painful, cold darkness into the

light. Jordan's portion of the proceeds from Out of the Closet Into the Light will be donated to The Christmas Box International to support abused and neglected children.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Stay Tuned!

Stay tuned for an exciting post from Jordan this weekend!

Jordan's story is featured on Voices of Hope - Latter-Day Perspective on Same-sex Gender Attraction. In this video, Jordan shares his story and past experiences of abuse and homosexuality.
The Voices of Hope website features videos and essays on Latter-Day Saints who struggle with same-sex attraction.
Stop by and watch Jordan's video. His testimony of God's unconditional love for each of us will touch your heart. http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voice.php?v=51#.UznYq1fLLyA

About the Book

After living a life of abuse, abandonment and homosexuality, Jordan Jantz made the ultimate choice. Leaving his old life behind, Jordan came to know and understand God's love for him, as well as discover his own part in the eternal plan. But this book isn't just about his Christian conversion and lifestyle change, it is also about all the things he suffered that helped to bring him to this point. It's about everything he was, everything he is, and everything he is on his way to becoming. Simply put, this is the story of his journey from the painful, cold darkness into the light. A portion of the proceeds from Out of the Closet Into the Light will be donated to The Christmas Box International to support abused and neglected children.

What Readers Are Saying

"This is a well written book about what one child suffered at the hands of those who should have loved and nurtured him. It makes me wonder how many children suffer in silence. The day we received the book from Amazon, I sat down and read it in two hours. I have purchased more books and have been sharing them with family and friends. I highly recommend this book for anyone to read. May the voices of the children be heard and may each of us reach out with an understanding heart to all of God's children.

J. Adams did an excellent job in writing the story of Jordan Jantz."

"This book opens the door of a soul who has made the decision to turn from a early life of dark, self-destructive, behavior where his lifestyle is a series of bad choices and makes an astounding turn around in his physical and mental behavior to find meaning and redemption in his life as he seeks the help of the Savior to redefine his direction and purpose in life."

Get Your Copy Today

Amazon.com

Barnes&noble.com

To My Support Team - from Jordan
Special blessings to all my family and friends in the LGBT community, for stepping into my life at a young age and walking with me when everyone else walked out of my life. You will always be my shining star. It was your continued love that helped to bring me out of the closet and into the light of God's love.
My doctors, therapists, landlord, case managers, and clergy, people who are from all walks of life, have helped my life's work to this day. Without all of you I would be dead.

It is hard to have a desire to live when you have no one who believes in you. I can't tell you how much I have prayed for someone to take my hand and not let go. Because I am who I am, so many have questioned the journey I walk and questioned my worth. Everyone else let go of my hand, as well as the hope of me becoming the man God created me to be. So many times I was abandoned by people who called me their family. God sent all of you into my life as shepherds to encourage me with unconditional love. What you did for me, the least of these, you unknowingly did for God.

Someday there will be no more pain and we will all be together. Real love sets us free from judgments. I tank God for putting you all into my life. If not for the experiences I shared with you, this book wouldn't have been written. I know the disabilities I face daily are a struggle, but I also know you will never abandon me. Without your love I would be lost.
Cherish is the word that reminds me of you. Thank you for walking this painful journey with me.

Your brother,
Jordan Jantz

But the Lord saith unto Samuel, Look not on the countenance, or the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7

Monday, June 30, 2014

The Book That Has Changed Lives

Jordan's story is featured on Voices of Hope - Latter-Day Perspective on Same-sex Gender Attraction. In this video, Jordan shares his story and past experiences of abuse and homosexuality.
The Voices of Hope website features videos and essays on Latter-Day Saints who struggle with same-sex attraction.
Stop by and watch Jordan's video. His testimony of God's unconditional love for each of us will touch your heart.
http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voice.php?v=51#.UznYq1fLLyA

Book Excerpt:

February 25, 2013

When I look back on my life, it is a miracle that I made it through all that happened. It seems like a nightmare I've barely woken from. The faces and places are still fresh in my mind, the shades and colors as vivid as ever. The sights and smells come back at times, drawing my thoughts to days long gone, times never to be revisited.

I have talked about my life before, but not in this much depth, and not with my family. Friends are appalled by the events I have shared, and other friends I have known for years wonder why I've never opened up before this. My answer is always, “I never wanted pity because there are so many others who have probably experienced worse things.”

There have been many closet doors in my life that have hidden many things, and I managed to walk through them all, struggling to leave the painful experiences that lay behind them, experiences shrouded in darkness, hidden from the eyes of those who would clearly see them for what they were, and clearly see me for what I was.

To this day, there are moments when the flashbacks that occur are so strong, I literally lose control of my bodily functions. If I am standing in the grocery store and see a small child angrily chastised or hear a family yelling, or watch the news and a child has been kidnapped, raped, or murdered, it takes me back to those dark days. The shame and embarrassment I feel at these times is overwhelming. I see a therapist regularly. I take prescribed anxiety medication during the day and sleeping medication at night just to function. It is the only way I can live some semblance of a normal life.

However, one thing above all helps me through each new day. And that is my knowledge that no matter how rough it gets or how abandoned I still feel at times, God is there. The Savior is with me. As long as I hold to the light, I will never be alone again.

So now everything is out in the open, never again to be shut away, covered or hidden. There are no more secrets, no animosity or anger; there is only the sweet peace of healing and knowing that the old life of my memories is no longer mine, that those burdens are no longer mine. Someone else carries them now.

And I can go on.

About the Book

What Readers Are Saying

J. Adams did an excellent job in writing the story of Jordan Jantz."

Get Your Copy Today

Amazon.com

Barnes&noble.com

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

An Update Email From Jordan's Friend

Here is an email from one of Jordan's good friends.

"I need to touch on his health. Not too long ago, Jordan went on an engagement and returned from it dehydrated and tired. That snowballed into infections. Most tragic, his T cell count has fallen into the single-digits which means that he has almost no immunity at all. He’s worked so hard with his doctors to build that count up so that he can be out and doing things in the world, but today it is gone. Jordan accepts his doctors’ instruction that he should go nowhere for at least this next month – not to church or anyplace he does not need to go for his health – and that he should nurse his body in near-sterile, protective isolation to re-establish his body’s immunity. This sudden blind-side is a big shock to us and to his many friends in the gay community in Seattle, Portland and Boise. I am committed to taking good care of him and coordinating with those who also love him to make sure that this happens. Jordan is precious to me and it is hard to see him struggling this way.

There have been a lot of exciting doings over the last months. Just touching them lightly, for Valentines week, Jordan spent ten days in Nevada with Donnie and Marie. Jordan did book signings and said his time with them was a true spiritual high. He is invited back for later this year and Jordan says he felt that Marie especially revealed a new kind of Godly love to him that he wants to learn and practice.

Then, on Easter Sunday Jordan went on a special mission to Maui for three weeks to minister for the “YWAM” Youth-with-a-Mission and the Church on the Beach which had read his book Out of the Closet, Into the Light and wanted to bring him there to work with children, youth and adults affected by incest and ritual abuse. He poured himself into that work and developed activities for the broken families to begin to find solid ground again, using the resources he could find including every social celebration on the island and our holidays: May Day, Cinco De Mayo, Mother’s Day, early Memorial Day activities and more. He came home exhausted and overflowing. I love that the message of hope and healing was recognized and wanted.

Both before and after the Maui trip, Jordan spoke at Jewish Family and Child Services events at various luncheons throughout the Pacific Northwest. These addresses are specifically for abused children and Holocaust victims and their families who are still learning to overcome their wounds. Jordan brings them Voices of Hope and Out of the Closet, Into the Light as a non-threatening way to discuss woundedness and demonstrate how to heal.

At the end of May, Jordan went to Northstar’s summer convention. I am less familiar with Northstar but I know they produced Jordan’s life story into a video format so it could travel further, and I’ll share that again here because I find so much meaning in it:

http://ldsvoicesofhope.org/voice.php?v=51#.U5pTiiimU8k

While Jordan was out there he was able to spend time with his family. Jordan seems to break open with happiness when he talks about them. It is contagious; I like them now, too.  Before Jordan became so exhausted, he was excited to tell me all of the things he had learned at Northstar (and I do hope to hear that soon) but I heard his primary take-away: Jordan felt empowered and restored by what he learned, even as his body’s strength was beginning to crumble. He has special hope that through Northstar and Voices of Hope, God can continue to use his unique gifts in the Pacific Northwest. I was very gratified to see that he was added to the Ecclesiastic group at the convention and in many other ways has been coordinating and working with Stake Presidents far and wide who want to understand how to better serve their flocks.

A few days after he returned, I brought someone who is very special to me to church to see Jordan and our friends, but Jordan was too exhausted to get out of his home that week. As we drove away, Jordan called me and I put him on speaker so that he could greet my special someone who has been held down her whole life and never had a chance to grow or have a friend. Jordan communicated so lovingly with my special someone that after the call she said, “Oh my gosh, he likes me already!”

The timing of all of this next part was rather important and I’m not sure I can convey it but I am going to try:

The following day, Jordan was contacted by officials in Portland and many other business associates from the Portland gay community, which community is gearing up for its annual bash, the Portland Pride Parade, happening as always on Father’s Day. Jordan has been a member of the church for more than seven years and in that time those who have known him since he moved to Portland as a nineteen year old have watched his transformation. I’ve observed these people with Jordan. A person viewing these strong relationships could not tell the difference between the level of love and respect for Jordan in the gay community and in the church community, and this reaches across cultures as well.

Jordan has used the Ensign to teach values that bring happiness and they call it “a self-help magazine.” He has been consistent in his pattern of making choices for his own growth and that GROWTH is what is visible to his family in the gay community. Here’s what blew me away: they wanted him to bring that message to the parade or better, man a booth that they would provide. They hoped he could bring video equipment and play his Voices of Hope message and bring his books. I have met his friends in Portland and seen their happiness with Jordan’s transformation, especially coming from the industry. They had supported him then and they support him now that he has found God and healing. Of course I fully supported Jordan taking that message to Pride.

In time, it appeared that Jordan might not be able to do any of that, regardless of how many people wanted to hear that message, because there was a Mormons for Equality entry in the parade. Now, I knew all about that because – as Jordan came to find (he hadn’t quite appreciated this about me) – I *am* the Mormons for Equality organizer for our area. I just could never sit down when the question was about civil rights and equal protection of the law. I hate abuse and would never want people to be without legal standing in the world… The upshot: some felt that the 1) Mormons for Equality message and 2) Jordan’s message could not go out in the same area. I was so sad about this I decided to do something about it. Equal legal protection has been achieved in Oregon. I did not want an opportunity for Jordan’s important healing message to pass us all by because of Mormons for Equality’s vestigial presence at the parade. I offered to shut the MFE message down and replace it with Jordan’s message. I ordered a new banner, saying “Voices of Hope.”

I wish that all that excitement did not contribute to the stress leading to his collapse, but I worry it did. I’m mother-henning him as much as he’ll allow (we all know how independent and protective of his personal space he is) and he’s following all the good medical advice and is committed to his health restoration but I am very sad that this weekend will not have Jordan at a booth teaching his friends about what Jesus can do in any life, no matter what has happened.

Though Jordan cannot participate this year, I am still glad I shut down the Mormons for Equality showing. I believe Jordan will be back on his feet soon and his faithful friend Den will surely be putting together a detailed newsletter that will explain more about those activities I so lightly brushed in, but I did want to get this health update out to everyone. I look forward with hope for Jordan’s July plans as a coach and speaker for the Special Olympics in Arizona. My friend can speak to those who have felt left behind, separated and abandoned. Those kids maul him and he mauls them right back. I soooo want that to happen so his at-least-four-weeks-of-sterility-and- exhaustion-recovery is my goal.

I wanted to close with some of my own thoughts about healing and the atonement. I know many people know Jordan in just one way – through the Voices of Hope video or from these newsletters. I think that what caught my attention was the book, though. That may be because I am a very ‘written’ creature or maybe because its message touched something wounded in myself. Though Jordan has been a member for seven years, it is clear that his soul’s reconstruction through the atonement is an on-going process between him, the Lord, his priesthood leaders, and sometimes through friends like me. He puts himself in the Lord’s hands as a willing heart and messenger, yes, but he is learning as each obstructive lack is removed by friends who are gracious influences in his life. I saw this happen with a special dentist in Gresham, Oregon and a special airline pilot in San Clemente, California. This seems to be the Lord’s program to reconstruct trust inside of a heart that has experienced extraordinary abandonment and it is working, my two years of observation tell me.

Then, I got to see the atonement reach further. One morning, Jordan told me he’d had a dream. In the dream, he looked inside a stack of boxes and found a letter from the woman who had arranged for his sale as a small child to her sister, away from the biological mother who had kept him in a closet. Upon waking, Jordan checked the stack of boxes and *did* find that letter. This angel is now in her mid-nineties and her birthday was coming up. Jordan flew into action to deliver a present next-day air to arrive in time. Those who have read the book know that this woman brought Jordan out of the physical closet but Jordan struggled in his new family, which finally broke under the strain. In one day, Jordan spoke to this beloved adoptive auntie, and then after many decades without contact, to his adoptive mother. Although that conversation began with the pain and shame of the family-brokenness they’d experienced, Jordan’s healing – the atonement in Jordan’s life – washed away the obstacles between them, creating a new atonement between his mother and himself, though she, also in her nineties, may never know Jesus in this life. That is a profound reach. Jesus’s gift restores us to each other.

I’ve thought about that dynamic many times since. My husband is fond of saying that our acts – good and bad—are like ripples in a pond, stretching out far after the event is past for ourselves. I see in Jordan’s life that Jesus’ atonement resonates and affects all the water when obstacles are removed …and that the atonement can remove the obstacles, too.

We are committed to getting Jordan back from exhaustion, to the life that is calling him out of the closet and into the light that he brings to others. He has many speaking engagements and seminars already planned at which he will present CDs of the Voices of Hope videos and talk about and sign his books. As always Jordan is devoted to bettering the lives of children and raising awareness. While he cannot allow many visitors right now, please feel free to contact him through me, his friends, Den and Yiyang, and his Stake President, Allen Oyler. With the finest physicians in Portland, we have chosen to love him together and to make my friend and your brother physically strong again."

Marni Zollinger