IT USED
TO BE THAT THE WORD “HOME” WAS VERY FRUSTRATING TO ME, MAINLY
BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW WHERE HOME WAS. I BELIEVED THAT IT WAS MY
FAULT. I BELIEVED MY PERSONALITY CAUSED A RIFT IN MY LIFE AND I
DESERVED TO BE PUNISHED. BECAUSE NO ONE WAS SAYING ANYTHING
DIFFERENT, I ACCEPTED THE LIES FROM MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY
THROUGHOUT THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE ON THIS PLANET AND STARTED TO HIDE
MY PERSONALITY TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM OTHER FRIENDS AND
FAMILIES’ OPINIONS. I FELT THE FEAR AND PAIN NOT ONLY FROM LOSING
THE THING THAT I CALLED “HOME”, BUT NOT EVER FINDING THE WAY BACK
TO MY HEART’S HOPE AND DREAM TO HAVE A HOME WHERE I BELONG. MY
LIFE WAS RULED BY INSECURITIES. I NEVER HAVE UNDERSTOOD THESE
FEELINGS INSIDE ME, BECAUSE THEY SCARED ME. I FELT THAT I HAD NOBODY
SAFE TO TALK TO, SO I BURIED EVERYTHING AWAY FROM PEOPLE, FRIENDS,
FAMILY, AND RELATIONSHIPS; I JUST KEPT IT IN MY HEAD.
MY
CONFUSION ABOUT WHERE I BELONGED MADE ME A VERY BROKEN MAN. I DIDN’T
KNOW HOW TO PROCESS ANY OF MY FEELINGS. THROUGH ALL OF THIS
HAPPENING IN MY LIFE, I LEARNED A WAY TO AVOID REJECTION AND
ABANDONMENT AND GAIN ACCEPTANCE OF WHAT GOD CREATED WHEN HE MADE ME.
BECAUSE IT’S EASY TO WEAR A MASK OF PERFECTION, PEOPLE DON’T KNOW
WHAT IS UNDERNEATH YOUR REASONS FOR LIFE BECAUSE PEOPLE DON’T WANT
TO FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. THEY HEAR, SPEAK, AND LIVE FOR THEMSELVES. I
USED DISTRACTION AS MY MAIN TOOL TO AVOID MY INTERNAL STRUGGLES.
THERE WAS NO SAFE PLACE TO GO TO TAKE OFF MY MASK, MY PERFECTION
MASK. EVERY WHERE I WENT THIS MASK BECAME THE BIGGEST BURDEN. THERE
WAS NOT A PLACE TO GO TO SAFELY TAKE OFF MY MASK.
I
GAVE UP HOPE THAT THERE WOULD EVER BE A SAFE PLACE FOR ME WHERE I
COULD EVER BE HONEST ABOUT MY HOPE FOR A HOME, A PLACE TO BELONG. THE
ONLY OPTION FOR ME WAS TO KEEP UP THE FAÇADE THAT I WAS ALL THINGS
TO ALL PEOPLE. I COULD NOT KEEP GOING ANYMORE MAKING OTHERS HAPPY.
I DIDN’T TRUST PEOPLE. I DOUBTED THEIR LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE OF ME,
BECAUSE I BELIEVED THAT IF ALL THEY SAW OF ME WAS MY MASK, THEN
THAT’S ALL THEY COULD LOVE. I HAD ALSO LEARNED, THROUGH MY
EXPERIENCES, THAT PEOPLE WOULD REJECT ME; FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND LOVED
ONES IF THEY KNEW WHO I REALLY WAS. I STAYED UP MANY NIGHTS TOSSING,
TURNING, FEARING THE NEXT DAY. I WAS LOSING SLEEP, EATING POORLY,
AND EVENTUALLY BEGAN TO HAVE THOUGHTS THAT IF FAMILY IS NOT WANTING
ME IN THEIR LIFE AND FRIENDS KEPT QUESTIONING MY LIFE HISTORY, THEN
HOW COULD GOD DESIRE A LOVE FOR MY LIFE.
BY
GOD’S GRACE, I DISCOVERED NORTH STAR AND EVERGREEN. THEY WERE A
PART OF MY CHURCH, THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS
AND I MET THESE TWO ORGANIZATIONS IN SALT LAKE CITY. THEY ASKED ME
TO STAY WITH A COUPLE IN LEHI, FRED AND MARILYN MATIS. I MET THEIR
FRIEND, TY MANSFIELD, AND THE LEADERSHIP. I MET WITH THE EVERGREEN
LEADERSHIP AND THE TRUTH IS I KNEW I COULD TAKE OFF MY MASK NOW.
THEY HAD NOT ONE EXPECTATION OF ME AND THAT WAS SOMETHING I NEVER
EXPERIENCED WITH A GROUP OF CHURCH PEOPLE. I’M BLESSED WITH GREAT
MENTORS WHERE IRON SHARPENS IRON BECAUSE IF YOU HANG OUT WITH DOGS
YOUR ARE GOING TO GET FLEAS. THESE TWO MINISTRIES REACH OUT TO HELP
OTHERS WALK IN GOD’S TRUTH AND HIS LOVE HE HAS FOR YOU AND ME.
A
HANDFUL OF CLOSE FRIENDS SOON AFTER, HEARD I WAS BEFRIENDING THESE
LEADERS IN NORTH STAR AND EVERGREEN AND THEY BECAME VERY
CONFRONTATIONAL. EVEN MY FRIENDSHIPS INSIDE THE CHURCH DID NOT WANT
ME TO BE A PART OF THESE TWO MINISTRIES. PEOPLE ARE JUDGMENTAL WHERE
EVER YOU GO. IF YOU’RE A RAY OF LIGHT FOR SOMEONE ELSE, EVEN
FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND CLERGY WILL PUT THEIR EXPECTATIONS ON MY LIFE AND
I WOULD LET THIS CONTINUE. I JOINED BOTH PROGRAMS WITH A NEW SUPPORT
BEHIND ME. SOON AFTER, I FOUND MYSELF EXPLAINING THAT I WAS A BROKEN
MAN AND I WEAR A MASK TO BE THE PERSON ANYONE WANTS ME TO BE ME. TY
MANSFIELD RESPONDED BACK TO ME WITH LOVE AND THE MATIS FAMILY AND ALL
OF THE FAMILY AT NORTH STAR CONTINUES TO THIS DAY TO BE A PART OF MY
LIFE. EVERGREEN ALSO HAS MAINTAINED THEIR LOVE FOR MY LIFE AND WHAT
IS GOING ON IN IT. NOW THAT THE MASK IS OFF, PEOPLE CAN WORK WITH
OPEN HEARTS AND TRUTH. MAYBE THE TRUTH DOES SET YOU FREE FROM OTHER
PEOPLE’S JUDGEMENTS OF YOU AND YOUR OWN JUDGEMENT OF YOURSELF.
CHANGE IS VERY DIFFICULT BECAUSE MY LACK OF TRUST IN PEOPLE. I HAVE
A LOT OF DEFENSE MECHANISMS THAT MADE RELATIONSHIPS DIFFICULT. WITH
HELP FROM NORTH STAR AND THE EVERGREEN COMMUNITY, I TOOK MY MASK OFF
COMPLETELY. NOT THAT I DON’T WANT TO PUT IT BACK ON AT TIMES.
CHURCH PEOPLE CAN REALLY JUDGE A PERSON WITHOUT SAYING A WORD AND I
SAW IT AND FELT IT, BUT I HAD PEOPLE THAT WERE IN LEADERSHIP WHO SAW
WHAT JESUS SAW IN ME; MAYBE THAT’S WHAT REALLY MADE ME TAKE THE
MASK OFF.
I
HAD NEVER REALLY DEALT OPENLY WITH ANY OF MY STRUGGLES AND THIS FELT
TERRIFYING. THIS WAS VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME, AS IT INVOLVED REALIZING
THE LIES I HAD BELIEVED MY WHOLE LIFE THAT GOD HATED ME FOR I WAS NOT
WORTH ANYTHING. IT BECAME A DAILY STRUGGLE TO WALK THIS LIFE BEING A
LATTER DAY SAINT AND TO KEEP THE WORD OF GOD CLOSE TO MY HEART.
NOBODY SAID IT WAS EASY TO SERVE GOD. IT’S A NEW LIFESTYLE BIG
TIME. I WAS HAVING TROUBLE BELIEVING THE TRUTH ABOUT WHO I WAS IN
CHRIST AND THAT HE ACCEPTED AND LOVED ME. I STILL DID WRONG. THAT
TENSION EVEN GREW STRONGER IN THE YEAR TO COME. I WAS SLOWLY
REALIZING MORE AND MORE OF THE HOPELESSNESS I HAD BELIEVED WAS
CONTENDING WITH HURTFUL MEMORIES IN MY LIFE. DEALING WITH THIS WAS
HARD AND I BEGAN TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS. I THOUGHT I KNEW MORE
ABOUT MYSELF THAN GOD DID. EVENTUALLY I REALIZED THAT TY MANSFIELD
AND REBECCA MOHOR AND LARRY RICHMAN WERE RIGHT THAT GOD’S PLAN FOR
MY LIFE IS NOT THE PLAN I HAD SET FOR MY LIFE, FOR HIS PLAN IS MUCH
GREATER THAN MY PLAN FOR MY LIFE.
WHAT
NORTH STAR AND EVERGREEN DID IS LOVE ME. THEY DID NOT SHAME ME,
DEPRIVE ME OF ANYTHING, OR LECTURE ME. WHAT THEY DID INSTEAD, WAS
GIVE ME THE OPEN DOOR TO COME OUT OF MY CLOSET AND INTO GOD’S LIGHT
AND SERVE MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS WHO ARE SEEKING TRUTH. THEY DID
NOT GIVE ME AWAY OR DROP ME OFF BECAUSE I FELT DIFFERENT THAN THE
OTHER MEN IN OUR CHURCH. THANK YOU TY, AND THANK YOU CHRISTIAN
ADAMS. YOU BOTH CONTINUE TO IMPACTED MY FUTURE IN CHRIST. THE
CONSEQUENCES OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LIVE IN SIN IS PUNISHING TO MY
SPIRIT AND LIFE IN CHRIST WHO DIED FOR MY SINS. EVEN THOUGH I HAVE
MESSED UP, I WAS FORGIVEN FOR MY SINS, AS FAR AS THE EAST IS TO THE
WEST.
IT
TOOK ME YEARS TO REALIZE THAT THE HOME I WAS LOOKING FOR WAS NOT A
PLACE AT ALL. I WAS LOOKING FOR PEOPLE WHO WOULD LOVE ME WHERE I WAS
AT. I WAS LOOKING FOR FAMILY, TRUTH, HOPE. THE FAMILY I WAS
SEARCHING FOR, WAS ONE THAT WAS ACCEPTING AND SAFE. IT DID NOT
MATTER WHERE IN THE WORLD IT WAS GOING TO BE. THE FOREVER FAMILY I
DREAMED OF COULD HAVE BEEN IN AFRICA OR AUSTRALIA. I DESIRED AN
ETERNAL FAMILY WHO WANTED ME FOREVER; WELL, HONESTLY, THAT’S WHAT I
TOLD GOD ANYWAY. IT’S TRUE, I PRAYED ASKING JESUS ABOUT THIS CRAZY
FAMILY THING CALLED ETERNAL FAMILY, AND IT IS REAL PEOPLE. I PROMISE
THAT; YOU THAT YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. YES, IT’S A CHALLENGE, BUT TO
GAIN THE WORLD AND LOSE MY SOUL, NO WAY. YES, THE WORLD GAVE ME
EARTHLY PLEASURES, MANY, BUT GOD HAS A PLAN THIS SEASON FOR ALL OF
US. THIS IS A NEW YEAR.
LET’S COME TOGETHER THIS NEW YEAR AS
CHILDREN OF GOD AND THANK HIM FOR JESUS WHO HAS GIVEN YOU AND ME A
NEW LIFE, BECAUSE THIS WORLD IS NOT YOUR HOME AND ITS NOT MINE; ITS
OUR TEMPORARY HOME. I DID NOT KNOW IT, BUT I HAVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR
SOMETHING. I DIDN’T EXPECT IT EITHER. I WAS STRUCK BY GOD’S
GRACE. GOD HAD BEEN PREPARING THIS NEW LIFE FOR ME FOR A LONG TIME,
AND IT WAS THAT HE HAD FORGIVEN ME AND LOVED ME.
SEVERAL
YEARS LATER I’M STILL DISCOVERING MORE ABOUT GRACE AND THE LOVING
HOME THAT GOD HAS FOR ME IN MY FAMILY IN SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH.
PLEASE
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ASKING GOD TO HELP YOU THROUGH A CHALLENGE IN YOUR
LIFE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON. HE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU. JUST CALL HIS
NAME. I PROMISE YOU ALL, HE WILL BE THERE FOR ALL OF US WHO CALL
UPON HIS NAME. I CALL OUT TO HIM EVERY DAY AND HE HAS NOT ABANDONED
ME. YOUR LOVE FOR ME IS A TESTIMONY OF GOD’S LOVE FOR HIS
CREATION AND THAT GOD IS NOT DEAD. HE LIVES IN THE LIVES OF THOSE
WHO FOLLOW HIM. THANK YOU ALL FOR GIVING ME THE ULTIMATE GIFT AND
THAT IS YOUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
LOVE,
JORDAN
JANTZ
About the book
After living a life of abuse, abandonment and homosexuality, Jordan
Jantz made the ultimate choice. Leaving his old life behind, Jordan came
to know and understand God's love for him, as well as discover his own
part in the eternal plan. But this book isn't just about his Christian
conversion and lifestyle change, it is also about all the things he
suffered that helped to bring him to this point. It's about everything
he was, everything he is, and everything he is on his way to becoming.
Simply put, this is the story of his journey from the painful, cold
darkness into the light. A portion of the proceeds from Out of the
Closet Into the Light will be donated to The Christmas Box International
to support abused and neglected children.
